growing up is hard

I know everyone says this, but seriously I blinked and college was over. I literally remember thinking, "I can't wait until this is all over" or "I'm so over this." Now, I have officially graduated with a bachelors in journalism from the Missouri School of Journalism. I a thousand percent believe the best is yet to come, but there are things I am going to miss. And to be honest, I really, truly did not think that was going to be the case.

Honestly, I think it's just one thing I'm going to miss. My friends. And the convenience of just randomly going to eat or just "fake studying." Now, we have to actually plan things and schedule phone calls. The one that hurts the most right now is all of my friends are still kind of in the same place and so I'm missing all the little things. And I just feel left out. Of course, I know it's not like that, but that's just how I feel. It all just happened so fast. I got a taste of this a little bit while I was in New York. And it made me realize, all the friends I had in college aren't all going to be my adulthood friends. There were only a few that would check on me, and honestly it was kind of heartbreaking. That's reality, though. Not everyone to give you what you need in a relationship. If I am the only one calling, then it's a wrap. You won't hear from me again, because I just don't have time to be breaking my back for you and you can't even pick up the phone and call. I learned early not to rely on people, but it's still sad when they disappoint you. Note: Be the type of friend you want to hang out with or be around.

Also, I am going to miss the luxury of knowing what's coming next. After high school graduation, you go to college and then you have another four years of knowing what to expect. Now, I'm applying to jobs. Thinking about how I'm going to afford a real apartment, not student housing, and I'm going to have to budget and plan my life. Now, I'm seriously an adult. There's no ifs, ands, or buts. There are things that are only going to happen if I do them. It kind of seems fake that this is really how life starts. I guess I mean how adulthood starts. I'm eager, but nervous. There is currently a pandemic going on, which is definitely making my transition much harder. It's crazy because my next step matters. In college, you can kind of get away with messing around and I don't think the same luxury exists in adulthood. There is seriously no time to be lazy. That doesn't mean I haven't been lazy here and there, but the guilt that comes with that laziness is completely different than what I felt in college when I was intentionally being lazy. In college, it was like, "Okay, well maybe I shouldn't do that again, but heyyyyy, I'm being young and fun!"

And maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself, but I don't think I am. I think I really want to start my life and just see what's going on. I want to start early, because I just don't want to settle. And I think that's what happens sometimes, you never start and you keep putting it off and then you realize you already started, but it was the wrong race. These are really my years to be selfish, and I want to take advantage of that. I genuinely don't want to have one of those "I could of or should of" stories. When I hear that from some adults, it literally breaks my heart. I'm just ready for a new season of my life. Even though growing up is hard and very unpredictable, I know it'll be worth it.